Broken
by Tuffen
Summary: Set in 2014 Castiel is addicted to every drug under the sun and is rarely sober. Dean is the 'fearless leader' trying to get the world back on the path of normality. Though will they ever have their normal relationship back? Cas/Dean
1. Camp

Castiel woke up on the floor of his cabin amongst a mass of deep breathing body's; he pinched the bridge of his nose a banging pain in his head. He had gone all out last night, not that he could remember any of it.

He knew Dean was going to be angry at him. Even though he wouldn't say anything.

The sun streams through the curtain less windows and it only makes his head worse, as Castiel stands up, looks down at his body and of course he's butt naked.

He looks around baffled, _what the hell happened to my clothes last night?_

After manoeuvring his way out of the tangled bodies, with out stepping on anyone (which was extremely difficult in his condition) he finds his dirty boxers, which had been forgotten very early the night before.

After having his first hit of the day Castiel gets dressed. Slowly.

Smiling to himself he finds a bottle of whisky which was left abandoned on the empty bed, taking a swig he looks around the room and feels the hole in his gut throb.

He knows this isn't the life he wanted but it's what he got, and to be honest it wasn't all bad. Humans can have a lot more fun than they give themselves credit for they just need the right drugs, alcohol and women.

Lots of women.

So Castiel shrugs it off and scoots round the edge of the room to the door, without looking back he goes to look for his 'fearless leader'.

This had somehow become a bit of a routine for both him and Dean they would find each other even with all the shit which was going down on a daily basis.

This morning Castiel found him leaning on the hood of a jeep, brooding over a map. Castiel was nursing his whisky.

Liquor was very hard to come by and Castiel needed it like he needed oxygen not that he would admit it.

He waltzed toward the hunched back of his companion and rubbed his eyes.

"Morning" He said cheerfully, he no longer had a rough voice. He no longer sounded authoritive as an angel should, which suited him fine as he wasn't.

He leant his back against the fender next to the hunter.

"Morning Cas" Dean huffed without looking at him.

This is what Castiel waited for every evening, though he told himself that it was because it was comforting to hear the old nickname not because of any weird human emotions.

Dean was the only person allowed to call Cas, Cas. It reminded him of being an angel and having that memory being prompted by anyone but Dean was painful.

Dean had decided they needed more stock, camp was starting run low and to Cas's dismay this included alcohol and drugs and all the good things left in his world.

The only problem was that to get everything they needed they would have to enter the Croats lair. Cas hated going to places like this and Dean knew it.

They were back at Dean's cabin talking about a plan how to get in and out safely, Cas sat back in his chair arms folded feet on the table not listening.

Dean and Risa were flirting in his face.

He didn't appreciate it.

His now empty whisky bottle sat on the table in front of him and he wished that it was full, instead he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small orange tub. Pulled of the white cap and poured two tablets in his hand.

He looked up to see Dean giving him a disapproving look. He knew this look all to well and every time it made him feel guilty.

Averting his gaze, he put his hand to his mouth and swallowed the pills.

He didn't know what they were and he didn't really care. He'd picked them up in Detroit all that time ago and carried them every where he went.

From the corner of his eye he could see Dean shake his head as though he expected more of his ex-angel. This is what annoyed Cas slightly, he had lost everything and this was how he coped couldn't he just get over that?

Dean never voiced any complaints but Cas knew he wanted to.

Both of them had changed over the last few years.

After a while of not listening, Risa left to get the men together for the trip into what would be called a 'town'.

Cas hadn't even noticed she'd left.

He'd completely zoned out and it wasn't until Dean clicked his fingers in his face that he resurfaced from a more relaxing place.

Dean was leaning both hands on the table facing Cas.

"Did you even try and listen to any of that?" He said whilst looking into Cas' eyes "You know you don't have to go, if you don't want to. I know you don't like going to those kinds of places Cas."

_Of course I don't like it. You could die out there Dean. _Is what he thought. What came out though was…

"Wow, is our Fearless Leader being concerned about such a lowly being as me." Emphasised with fake astonishment.

Dean rolled his eyes and sighed. Dean knew his sarcasm well.

"I'll take that as, you're tagging along. At least then I…" Dean trailed off, looked away from Cas and picked up his green duffle bag.

Cas knew it would end with _'wouldn't be alone'_ which was stupid really, Dean was never alone. Just not with the people he really wanted.

Placing it on the table he pulled out each gun and lined them up no the table in front of him keeping his eyes down focusing on his hands.

To Cas, Dean looked broken. More broken than he'd ever been.

Sam was lost. Cas was either high or drunk. Everything was on his shoulders

It made Cas ache inside, he just wanted to see Dean effortlessly and smile genuinely. All that was long gone though.

Happiness was but a dream.

The world was ending bloody.


	2. It was Dark outside

Cas was high as a kite, he jumped into the jeep riding shotgun.

Dean would drive, he always did.

As Dean climbed in next to him, Cas relaxed it was nostalgic being next to Dean in one of the humans vehicles, with a sigh Cas lent his head back on the seat and closed his eyes.

It was near midnight and he hadn't exactly had a good nights sleep, because well he had a gang bang. So being awake for the journey wasn't an option.

It made him feel a twinge of sadness he couldn't stay awake when it was just him and Dean for once.

They didn't talk much these days, that or he couldn't remember if they did.

Thinking of this made him feel worse.

He was edging into unconsciousness when Dean started up the engine and began their journey to the stupid Croat infested town.

He dreamed about fancy colours swirling in front of his eyes, they felt like the happiness he once felt. It was beautiful.

Then Cas was woken abruptly to the sound of the car door slamming, he let out a low grunt and rubbed at his eyes. The pills were wearing off.

He slipped his hand into his pocket to reach for his little orange tub. His fingers grabbed at the nothingness.

Cas felt the rush of panic. He needed that tub. It held all his hope. He was lost with out it.

He frantically patted down his coat, panting. He looked towards Dean but the drivers seat was empty.

Cas held onto the dash board making his knuckles white whilst hyperventilating silently in the Jeep. What the hell was he going to do. He couldn't go on this mission sober he would just freak out and end up being more of a burden than usual.

After what felt like an eternity Cas had calmed himself enough to get out of the damned Jeep.

He decided he would act as normal as he could. Dean didn't know he had an emergency stash, he always thought Cas was sober for missions. He was dead wrong.

As Cas got out of the Jeep he realised his hands were shaking, he shoved them deep into his pockets to hide them. He couldn't show he was scared. Not now.

It was still dark, though it must have been at least 5 in the morning by now.

Walking round to the front of the Jeep he watched as Dean was hunched over the map flashlight in one hand whilst the other tapped the hood of the jeep.

The rest of the men were checking their weapons and ammo.

Realising he left his rifle in the boot of the car he walked slowly to retrieve it. Thinking it would give him time to calm his nerves.

Taking deep breathes in and out only listening as it whistled out of his mouth quietly and then back in.

Opening the boot he grabbed his gun and an extra pack of ammo, Cas shoved the ammo into his pocket he, slung the gun over his shoulder using the strap to secure it against his body this way it didn't bang against his back as they ran.

Taking a couple more deep breaths and closing his eyes he was leaning on the bed of the car hands splayed taking his weight. He had his eyes scrunched closed trying to feel something more euphoric.

He felt a presence behind him and tensed. Opening his eyes suddenly, but he made no attempt to move.

Dean put one hand on Cas' back and lent over to grab himself some extra ammo before looking at Cas more carefully.

"Dude are you ok?" He sounded so concerned for the fallen angel it made the black hole in his gut throb.

He simply grunted in response.

Dean patted him on the back and sighed heavily, he walked off without another word.

This was the extent of their relationship it wasn't anything special not really.

They had just been through a hell of a lot together.

That's what kept them searching each other. They were both badly broken and they both knew exactly how it felt.

Cas walked back to the rest of the group, it looked like they had decided on how the plan was going to go and who was splitting off with who.

Turned out Dean had put himself with Cas.

Just the two of them.

Cas tilted his head and gave Dean a questioning look, all he got in response was a shrug.

They had been scavenging the town for and hour, they'd seen nothing. It was eerily quiet.

It freaked both Dean and Cas out. More than usual.

Then everything came at once.

A massive group of Croats came out of seemingly no where, running towards where Dean and Cas stood as they were walking from one door to the next.

Barely having time to react Dean shot the leader of the pack in the head.

His aim was perfect.

Cas fumbled his gun slightly. He'd been taken by surprise.

"Cover me" Dean shouted at him.

Cas loaded up thinking angrily._ What else am I going to do. Idiot._

Realizing the mass of bodies he would have to shoot through to have Deans back made his heart plunge.

Cas felt the desperation on his face. He shot aiming shabbily at anything that moved. He could hear Dean picking at a lock.

"Bingo, Cas get your ass over here NOW"

Cas didn't need telling twice.

He turned and started running towards Deans figure.

He didn't reach him though.

Something hard and warm that smelled of rot slammed against him, and then he didn't know which way was up. He hit a hard surface which was cold, it disorientated him, it had just been warm.

He felt a searing pain up his left hand side and bit back a scream. Scrunching his eyes closed.

If he was loud they would be an easy target. Cas couldn't get Dean in that kind of shit.

He blacked out.

Cas woke up only feeling pain, everything ached and he had dust up his nose. Sneezing violently. He let out a load groan.

Then he remembered.

_Shit._

He closed his eyes tightly so he couldn't see what happened if he was going to get killed. Listening to every movement.

All he could hear was very deep breathing from close by.

Opening his eyes slowly he took in his surroundings properly. He was in what seemed to be a flat. It smelled musty and dust settled everywhere.

He looked towards the breathing and saw Dean lying on the floor. Sleeping.

Dead to the world.

Cas felt awkward watching Dean sleep, it had been what felt like an eternity since he had and that was when he didn't have such awful human emotions. Instead he busied his eyes by looking himself over.

He was lying on a smelly couch which was placed under a windowsill. It was dark outside again and he registered that strangely the window was left intact.

Cas tried to sit up and felt the searing pain again, he looked down again and this time took note that his shirt was unbuttoned and his abdomen was wrapped in bandages.

They were soaked in blood.

He tried to think back to what had happened early that day.

He remembered they had been stuck in a hoard of Croats and then he was running.

Then darkness.

He tried sitting up again wincing against the pain. He looked at something to throw at Dean.

The most suitable thing was a cushion from the sofa, as he picked it up he winced. The smallest of movements sent his wound into burning pain.

_I need some freakin' pain relief. Damn it._

Cas threw the cushion pathetically at Dean. It didn't even touch him. Just landed with a whumph next to his face.

It was enough though.

Deans eyes sprung open at the sound, and he tensed automatically. Though now he was staring at the red cushion Cas had thrown.

Cas chuckled softly the winced. Though the pain was worth it, it had been a while since he'd seen that kind of expression of Deans face.

It had also been a while since he'd laughed genuinely.

Dean lifted his head slowly, noticing Cas sat on the sofa and relaxed instantly. Then sat up properly crossing his legs facing the fallen.

Then Dean shocked Cas by grinning, like full out no fakyness grinning. All he could do was smile tentatively back.

Dean scraped his eyes down Cas' body then grimaced at the blood soaked bandages.

It looked. Well. Nasty.

There was a few moments of silence before Cas needed to break it.

"Isn't every one going to be worried about you?" he only spoke up because his skin was crawling with discomfort, even though he had been alone with Dean a thousand times before. It felt different.

The Cas realised.

_Dean had saved him. Which, Cas realized was against camp rules. _

'_If someone gets grabbed you leave them so the infection didn't spread through camp.' It had been imprinted into his brain. It was like survival 101. _

_So why did our fearless leader save him? He was just the drug/alcohol addict who couldn't do squat._

_Dean had gone against his own rules. What the hell?_

Cas was interrupted of his internal ramblings by Deans reply.

"It's cool, it's not like camp is going to collapse because we aren't there for a day" Dean paused for a second going over what Cas had asked then realised what had been wrong with the question. He sighed. "Cas people would worry about you too, you know."

_Hahaha_

Cas just grunted.

"Ok, so maybe not a lot of people, but if you had been gone and I wasn't with you I'd be worried. Hell. I'd be searching for you."

At this Cas just stared at Dean eyes as open as they could, shining blue.

"Dean. Why did you save me? You broke your own rule." He looked away quickly not wanting to see Deans reaction.

There was a sharp intake of breath, it made Cas glance up at Deans face. Though he quickly looked away again head bowed.

"I saved you Cas because I don't want to be alone. I know it's selfish. I know our relationship is shit. But if you left me, I don't think I would exist properly anymore."

You could physically feel the tension between the two men as they sat once again in silence.

Cas nodded slowly taking in the information, his hunter did care about him. He made the hole in his gut seal itself the tiniest amount.

Raising his head he looked into Deans eyes. Green met blue. Like the vast ocean.

There was a strange electrical current that passed through the moment. It felt like the air was statically charged.


	3. Changes

The moment passed and both men realised they needed to get a move on and head back to camp.

Dean cleared his throat, stood up and walked into what seemed like a bathroom. Cas just stayed slumped on the sofa, not enough energy to even sit straight.

The sound of running water filled the silence, Dean poked his head around the door.

"Hey good news, the waters working, we can clean up your wound and re bandage it. Atleast then it wont get infected." He was grinning triumphantly like even though they were in a near impossible situation to get out of with an injured person he would still pull through.

Cas believed it.

After several attempts of getting off the sofa and failing it was obvious he wouldn't be able to shower on his own. Dean scoured the apartment for clean underwear.

Seems like luck was on his side as he waltzed back into the living room holding two pairs of boxers looking more smug than he had in months maybe even years.

Dean striped down to his boxers, then looked questionably at Cas as if he was a puzzle to be solved, the most Cas could do was take of his shoes using the opposite foot to do so.

Awkwardness seemed to creep in as Dean looked for a way to make it painless and Cas just sat back dumbstruck. It got a bit too much.

"Dean will you just help me get my clothes off, I don't care if it hurts its more painful watching you think." He chuckled slightly, trying to make light of the situation.

He watched as Dean relaxed and sighed in defeat.

"Ok, but we will stop if it gets too much." He nodded as he set to his objective, firstly was to get Cas standing, which was probably the easiest part.

Once stood. Cas lent against Dean until his head stopped spinning. Taking a deep breath he stood up straight and watched Deans face as he concentrated on pulling Cas' shirt off with the least amount of pain.

It was an amazing distraction.

They decided it was better to take the rest off in the bathroom, leaning on Dean, Cas winced his way there limping slightly.

He fell onto the toilet and let out a slight grunt before looking back to Deans face as he went to take off Cas' jeans.

Cas smacked his hand away when he went to undo his jeans button, that was a way too personal space, even though his hands were shaking he managed to undo the button and zip he held onto the band of his boxers as Dean tried to slip the jeans down softly.

At points their faces were too close and they'd pause and stare at each other. Their heads being scrambled.

By the time Cas' jeans were off they could tell his wound had re opened the bandages weren't holding the blood back any longer, there were small streams running down Cas' stomach.

He ran a finger over them smearing red over his front. He found it dangerously pretty.

Dean had his hand under the shower and hadn't realised what Cas was doing until after he'd turned back around.

"Dude, don't going playing with your own blood it's supposed to stay in your body." He lent over to take control of Cas' hands and then heaved him up so Cas' weight was lent onto him. He grunted slightly trying to shift into a comfortable position.

They shuffled into the shower stall, the water was only just warm but it was better than no water at all.

Cas sighed against the pounding on his skin, leaning against the back wall closing his eyes. He felt warm hands and didn't resist them just let them do what the wished, he didn't mind it was nice.

He felt his bandages be pulled away and a sharp intake of breathe. He opened his eyes against the water to see Dean, eyebrows pulled together. Eyes looking at the nasty gash down Cas' left side.

Cas felt faint and almost collapsed, Dean had to take all his weight and they slid down the wall to sit at the bottom of the stall tangled in each other.

Cas was suddenly overwhelmed with pain and he let out a pathetic whimper he couldn't hold back.

"Dean, it's painful. Dean help." His eyes searched for Deans but all he could see was blackness.

_I'm dying_

Cas had thought dying would be peaceful, but all he could think of was leaving Dean and what that would do to him. He didn't care for his own sake right now. All he could think was.

_Don't leave Dean, he needs you still._

He fought against the pain, he couldn't feel the water and longer. Though he knew he was lying on the floor mostly likely still half in the shower stall.

Everything was black still.

Dean hadn't expected Cas to collapse, suddenly all of Cas' weight was on him and they slid down to the bottom of the stall. He felt Cas tense and he mumbled something incoherent before his eyes closed.

Dean didn't have time to panic he just moved in a mechanical way. Lying Cas straight legs sticking out of the stall body still on the tiles. Turning off the water. Finding thread and a needle to sew the wound closed even if only temporary.

This was going to hurt Cas like a bitch but at least he would be alive.

After patching it up, he found some musty bandages and wrapped it well, it was shabby work but the blood was staying in Cas' body and that was always a plus.

Dean sat back and watched Cas' deep breathing.

He didn't know how much time he had spent sat there when Cas finally opened his eyes. He sighed with relief then leaned over him, his necklace dangled over Cas' face. His eyes were blurry and he didn't focus on anything in particular.

Dean stayed leaning over him until Cas' finger came up and gently wrapped around his necklace his thumb rubbing over it. Cas smiled at Dean groggily.

"Cas, you're going to be ok everything's fine" Dean only managed to whisper it and smile slightly. Cas just nodded, before closing his eyes again.

Dean took Cas' hands and held them, he needed to feel he was still there. To feel his heat. They stayed in that bathroom for a couple of hours before Dean got edgy enough to force Cas to move.

"Cas, come on now we gotta get out of here. It isn't safe." He pulled Cas into sitting position on the toilet and gave him a clean pair of boxers.

"I am not helping you put them on, that's a bit too gay for me" He chuckled forcefully and closed the door behind him. Leaning against it trying to get a plan to form.

_How the are we getting out of this?_

Dean just had to focus, so he started packing his bag. He routed through all the kitchen cupboards and all the bedroom drawers. He found some food which was still edible and a new flannel top for Cas.

He went and sat on the sofa, the bathroom door creaked open slowly. Cas was panting as he lent on the doorframe.

Dean was by his side in three strides, he wrapped them around his waist and led him to the sofa, shoving whatever food came to hand into Cas' lap. He didn't know that he fallen angel was going into withdrawal.

"Dean, I don't need food. I need drugs."

"No." The force startled Cas, Dean had always just put up with his problems why did he feel the need to voice it now?

All Cas could manage was

"What?" his voice sounded weak even to him.

"Cas, you've been broken up about losing your grace for years and yeah I get it being a shitty human isn't exactly the best thing ever especially for someone who used to have so much power but Cas you're tearing yourself up and it's hurts to see you this way." He wiped his face with a hand and looked Cas in the eyes "You're better without them, and it will be a bitch to get over but you can do it. I know you can."

Cas could see all the hope in Deans eyes. He didn't have the heart to argue so he just sank back into the sofa. Expressionless.

This drove Dean back into packing and planning.

"Eat you're breakfast or whatever meal it is. We don't even know the time."

Cas looked at the packaging, it was a cereal bar with weird cartoon people on the packaging, he opened it and gingerly took a bite. He didn't realise how hungry he was until he had taken in. Then he devoured the rest.

Dean walked back into the living room, his brow furrowed.

"Cas, we should get going before it gets dark again." He sounded concerned, he knew it would be hard to move Cas to move in his condition but they needed to get out. Now.

Cas nodded, he knew is wasn't going to be easy.

An hour later they hit the streets

They moved as quickly as they could, street by street. Dean always had his handgun out pointed to the ground. Just in case.

Cas felt useless, Dean wouldn't let him carry anything, not even his gun. He felt almost naked.

The sun was beating down making them sweat, making it hard to concentrate, making it hard to breathe.

Luckily they had come across some bottled water in a store not to far from the apartment. It stopped Cas from passing out which was the best they could hope for in their situation.

Luck seemed to be on their side, they didn't see anything or hear anything. It was amazing. They reached the way they came in without a scratch.

The only problem was after getting through a hole they cut through they had no way back to camp which was at least 5 miles out.

Cas was starting to suffer badly from withdrawal it was slowing them down, a lot.

They sat down under a tree, Cas had closed his eyes the sun was giving him the biggest headache and the water wasn't helping much. He felt it would be easier to give up and die but then where would that leave Dean?

Dean gave a sigh they hadn't spoken for the past 3 hours, it was getting tedious.

"Cas, talk to me."

Cas didn't open his eyes or move at all.

"What about?"

"Well you've been around a while right?"

"In a manner of speaking" a smirk appeared on Cas' face and Dean couldn't stop himself smiling at it. Dean wasn't gay but Cas was freaking beautiful even if he was high, drunk or dying.

"So, start at the beginning maybe?"

"That's about a thousand years back Dean. It begins to get blurry near my creation."

"okkk, soo how about when the angels first started their interest in my family?"

This made Cas look at Dean, he had to see his expression which was somber. Dean wasn't looking at him, it made Cas feel an urge to reach out and hold his which he rejected immediately. Instead he answered…

"Right from Adam and Eve, that's how far your blood line goes. We just followed it down. Then Michael and Raphael wanted the apocalypse and they were forced to make themselves known to you. It wasn't ideal."

Silence took a hold of them once again, they sat under the tree for another hour before moving on. Cas' bandages were slowly leaking blood through and it made Dean edgy, he couldn't let him die out here or die at all.

It wasn't going to happen.

They stayed under trees for as long as they could.

It took the two of them the entire day to get back to camp, it was dark. All Cas wanted to do was crawl into his bed and sleep for the next week, but all their luck had run out.

They walked through the gate and were instantly met with rifles, hand guns and knives.

"Well at least you know how to make a guy feel welcomed" Is what came out of Deans mouth, Cas stared at him. Dean never used sarcasm any more. He was just serious. Serious all the freaking time it drove Cas insane.

Something had changed.

Cas and Dean were separated, tied up and taken to cabins to be tested. It took 2 hours to get through everything.

Once released Cas limps with out assistance to his cabin praying no one is waiting for him. He isn't please when he opens the door and a silhouette is sitting in one of the plush chairs. Cas decided not to be polite.

"You might not want to sit there, the amount of people who have jazzed there isn't exactly small." Anger layering his voice.

"Jesus Cas, really? That's just wrong." The familiar voice startled Cas as they stood up and walked over to him.

"Chill out Cas it's me." Surprisingly Cas relaxed he knew he couldn't stay angry at him because it was Dean standing in his room.

Cas sighed slightly in frustration, he just wanted to go to bed.

"Why are you here Dean?"

"I came to change your bandages, and also to make sure you didn't die in your sleep."

Cas was reluctant but complied without complaint.

Now Cas could move around without help so he had a shower on his own, came out in just boxers and sat on the edge of his bed.

Dean had taken off his jacket and set out some more bandages, this time with antiseptic. As he turned to look at Cas he grimaced the blood had been leaking a lot almost as bad as when they were sat in the bathroom so many hours ago.

Dean and Cas had spent the majority of their day in silence, it was becoming unbearable. So true to old Dean fashion he started humming. Receiving a tilted head in confusion from Cas.

"What? This silence is killing me" All Cas could do was shrug which resulted in a wince.

"Dean will you just get over here and clean me up. Please?" Dean could almost physically feel the pain Cas was in now. He couldn't stand it but all he could do now was wrap some fabric around his fallen angel.

Kneeling down in front of Cas he started peeling off the sticking bandages, he felt a grip on his shoulder and looked to see Cas biting his bottom lip. He was ripping it up.

Dean had to try and get this over with quickly, so with out delay he got to work not noticing the grip getting tighter on his shoulder.

It became unbearable as he ran antiseptic over the shabby stitching, a whimper escaped Cas' lips and if Dean didn't know he was in pain it would have been the cutest god damn thing he had ever heard.

Instead he hastily Cas' stomach in fresh bandages the pushed him slowly onto the bed.

"Ok Cas you're all clear. I'm gonna stay here tonight I hope you don't mind."

Cas gave a grunt to say ok and Dean went to find a chair which hadn't been violated.

Cas crawled under the covers and when Dean brought his chair next to the bed he was fast asleep.

Cas woke up to sun streaming through his window, it took him a groggy ten minutes before he could be bothered to even open his eyes. He was so exhausted he couldn't understand why he was even awake.

It took him a while to realise there was another person breathing in his cabin but he didn't tense up, he just looked to the side of the bed and saw Dean slumped in a chair which looked ridiculously uncomfortable. He was once again dead to the world.

It made Cas smile, Dean looked like such a child when he's asleep. All of his pain leaves him and he becomes so peaceful.

It was something of a miracle.

A low groan came from Dean and for some strange reason Cas pretended to be asleep again. He didn't know why it just seemed like a reflex.

He could hear Dean shifting in his seat

Cas knew then that something in their relationship had changed. Once again.


	4. Pain and again

A short chapter today, trying to push through. Reviews are nice :)

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><p>Dean stayed sat in the chair next to Cas' bed for another ten minutes before getting up and nudging the other guy awake. Cas grunted knowing he had fooled Dean, he stretched and instantly regretted it searing pain all down his left.<p>

After the pain from his wound had settled a whole knew problem arouse, draining any of his earlier happiness away. He began to sweat and every muscle in his body spasmed, making his left side her even more. Cas' eyes rolled back into his head. Withdrawal was a bitch. He could feel Deans cold hands holding his body down, trying to stop him opening the wound, it was useless attempt though.

Cas was almost screaming, pain. Everywhere.

"Dean just get me some fucking pills!" He shouted, greens eyes looking frantically into blue, Cas new Dean wouldn't be happy giving him drugs. But what option did he have now? Cas heard a growl in frustration before the cold hands left him, he couldn't help but whimper slightly.

Dean strided to Cas' bathroom, opening the cabinet above the sink. It was empty. _Fucking hell! _He would have to try and get sense out of Cas who was wrestling with the covers on the bed. Dean walked back into the other room putting his hands on either side of pale clammy cheeks and looked straight into Cas eyes, who seemed to relax slightly at the touch.

"Where is your stash?" Dean moved so his ear was just above Cas' move, he only panted for a minute before saying.

"Bed, under the bed." Dean placed his forehead to Cas' he didn't really know why, maybe to show he was there or something? Dean leaned back and nodded.

Scrambling to the floor and under the bed, he found a box and pulled it out his top riding up as he moved backwards. He sorted himself out and sat on the floor, rifling through the orange tubs and plastic bags to something that might knock Cas out.

He found some sleeping pills and jumped up quickly, putting one hand behind Cas' head he dropped two pills into the open mouth which was waiting for them. A violent shiver ran through Cas' body, Dean watched as the other man clawed at the covers trying to pull them over him, like he hadn't just pent 5 minutes pushing them away.

Dean didn't know what else to do, he striped down to his under shirt and boxers and slipped under the covers wrapping protective arms around Cas' thin frame. Cas shivered for another 2 minutes before the drugs kicked in and began a rhythmic breathing.

Dean could of left then but something made him stay. He knew Cas would be fine, it felt like this was more for him. As if grounding himself to what he needed, or wanted. He shook the thought and just watched as Cas slept. He looked more angelic than he had in years. It chuckled lightly, for the first time he realised in a long time. He pulled Cas closer and closed his eyes. It wasn't all bad even if he was straight. For Cas, Dean would do near enough anything.

That's when he realised something in their relationship had changed. Yet again.

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><p>They stayed there for the whole day, Dean woke in the early afternoon. He check Cas' fever which had dropped dramatically, he sighed in relief.<p>

Sliding his arm from under the other man he slid off the bed and onto the floor next to the box of drugs Cas had stashed. He went through them again this time taking time to look at each item. There was no order or filing or anything they were just thrown in. Dean was pretty sure Cas would just pick up anything and swallow without checking what it was. As long as it gave the fallen a buzz.

Dean placed the drugs out on the floor trying to put them into groups, he wanted to know what Cas had been taking. So they could slowly wean him off, even if he didn't want to stop. He gave up eventually and shoved the lot back into the box. Standing up he stretched out all the kinks and walked over to the kitchen area.

Opening up cupboards one by one trying to find something to eat, the first cupboard he came to was full of alcohol. The second was empty. The third had one can of soup. The last one had a half empty box of cereal and a random spoon in it. Dean took out the spoon and chucked it quickly into the sink not wanting to know where the hell it could have been.

He walked lazily to the fridge doubting anything would be in it and was pleasantly surprised. As the light clicked on in the top, Dean could see that the shelves were packed. Cas was obviously more into cooking than Dean thought, he had some random food. He crouched down looking for something quick and grinned when he found a pack of four sausages and a pack of bacon. Nice.

There campsite was quite fortunate to have water and electricity. The were extremely fortunate to has gas as well. Though it was only to be used for cooking. If you need to be warm put more clothes on or huddle.

He pulled out the grill and chucked everything on it, looking over to the sleeping lump every couple of minutes. Dean wonders whether he should wake Cas for food. He decides he should then they can talk about. Well. Everything.

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><p>Cas was walking through a forest, the more he walked the thinner it got though. Eventually he walked out on the a walkway into a lake. There was a seat placed near the end, like someone had been fishing. He just stood there looking around. Listening to the trees and the birds. They sounded so distant. There was a rustle behind him, he swivelled around and was met by a familiar face. Dean. He relaxed instantly. They didn't say anything but Dean started walking forwards in an odd way, like when he was trying to be quiet as he hunted. Cas' brow furrowed as he tried to work out what was happening. He noticed one of Dean's hands was placed behind his back. It was too late to do anything when Dean brought his hand up with the Demon killing knife in it and plunged it into Cas' heart.<p>

Cas woke up sitting bolt up straight giving a small yelp when a cold hand touched his bare shoulder, he looked around frantically met with the same face he had seen in his dreams. His panicked eyes widened. Deans face inches away from his. The room smelt of food but Cas couldn't spare a thought for that at the moment, he heart was pounding in his chest and he had head rush which put black spots in his vision.

"Hey Cas, it's ok it was just a dream." Dean tells him softly, this make him relax. Dean would never hurt him, the other man had just saved his life. Cas looked into the other mans greens eyes, he felt like shit but Dean always made it slightly better.

"Dude, I made breakfast." Dean grinned like a kid at Christmas and Cas couldn't understand. He was just recovering from a sever withdrawal attack or whatever. Dean walked back over to check the food which smelled amazing now Cas could focus on it.

Trying to follow Dean he pulled back the covers, he couldn't get any further though as he was shocked to see the back of them stained dark crusty red. He looked down and saw the bandages soaked through.

"Deeann" He croaked his eyes were wide again. Dean didn't respond at frist. "DEAN YOU IDIOT!" This got a reaction Dean ran over he went to say something sarcastic but stopped before releasing it. He saw it too.

"Shit." Cas looked at Dean, it felt like they froze for a moment. Cas had felt fine but now his vision blurred and he was falling onto soft pillows. The last thing he managed to do was say.

"Dean, don't burn the food." Then it was back to the blackness.


	5. Trouble arising

I had to re do this chapter as when i first wrote it, it wasn't heading in the right direction. Anyway I hope this is a bit of a tease for you. Everything will most likely be up and then down and down and down from here on in. ENJOY!

Note: I don't have a beta or anyone checking so I'm really sorry for mistakes

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><p>Cas woke up a day later; alone. He wasn't surprised. But the pain he felt was shocking like he had been holding out a little bit of hope that Dean would be here when he came around. He wasn't.<p>

Cas thought he would be strong enough now to get around on his own anyway. He'd been an angel for Gods sake, being weak wasn't his fortay. Knowing that he hadn't showered properly in about a week, he tentively slid out of bed. Sitting at the edge for a while taking deep breaths against the pain. Instead of standing up he got down on his knees and grabbed his box. His stash.

After rummaging through his selection of orange tubs he found one which happened to be some kind of pain relief, he slipped two small white pills into his hand and threw them into his mouth. Swallowing easily. Just another day he said to himself, wincing as he stood up.

Cas lent on walls and furniture as he walked to his small bathroom, it was horribly decorated but he had never noticed before. Probably because he was too high to give a shit at the time. Now the un matching colours and terrible flooring gave him a headache.

He sighed, he needed to get back to drugs and alcohol, they were comforting, numbing. They stopped pain and rational actions. They were beautiful to Cas.

Turning the water on for a shower he left his hand under the steady stream, testing the temperature. Once at the perfect temperature he slowly stripped off each piece of clothing, deciding whether or not it was worth even keeping or not. His shirt defiantly wasn't it was now stained black with dried blood which was flaking off everywhere, the top of his jeans were no better but Cas though he may be able to wash it out. Jeans were hard to come by in his size now.

Cas had always been slender but not he just looked anorexic, Cas looked at himself in the full length mirror stood only in his dirty boxers. He ran an hand through his hair which needed cutting and prodded one of his ribs. It didn't even look like his body. A big section of his stomach bandaged, luckily it hadn't begun to leak again. It annoyed him how frail he looked, so he stripped off his boxers and jumped into the shower hiding from himself in the hot steamy water.

He showered for a good 30 minutes, as he walked out he pulled the soaked bandage away from his body, there was a large angry red line down his left side, with black thread holding the skin together as it fixed itself. Cas took a slender index finger and ran it down his body following the red line. He breathed out heavily, he wouldn't be able to go back to his normal self fully. Yet.

Grabbing a towel and hitching it round his waist and opened the bathroom door, as a breeze of cool air entered the bathroom Cas could smell bacon being cooked. Confused, he wandered back into the main section of his cabin, there stood next to his grill was a familiar figure. Dean.

He hadn't been heard walking in so he stood there too dumbstruck to say or move.

Too many emotions ran through Cas' veins at the sight of his hunter. Cooking. One was humour, Dean cooking was never a good idea, even when Cas wasn't sober did he ever eat what Dean had made. It was suicide. Cas also felt loneliness get washed away at his presence. He also felt something he'd never felt before. It was over whelming and gave him the urge to go to the hunter and hug him.

Repressing his urge Cas cleared his throat. Titling his head in what he hoped looked like confusion.

"Why are you here Dean?" He pushed all his confidence into those five words, hoping Dean wouldn't hear his relief that Dean was in fact back.

"Why wouldn't I be here? You're injured and we are still friends, even if it is a little strained." Deans face was serious until he mentioned friends and then he winced as if painful. Cas didn't like Dean in pain, he never had. He was always there to protect his hunter. When had he began to call Dean 'his' hunter. He wondered idly before he answered.

"I just thought it would be back to business as usual. I'm not weak Dean I don't need to be baby sat." To emphasize his point Cas walked over into Deans personal space and turned the grill off pulling out the bacon which was on the edge of being charcoal.

As if only just realising he was naked Cas took a step back giving Dean his space, pulling the towel closer to his body, blushing slightly. Dean felt the air in the room change and looked at Cas properly, taking in his poor handy work down the fallens left side.

With out really thinking about Dean took a step forward, now invading Cas' space, he brought his index finger and touched it gently to the tip of the angry scar, the body underneath his touch flinched slightly.

Dean began to trace down the length of the scar, and received a shiver. He stopped at the end and left his finger there, everything was still. He looked up from under his lashes and met Cas' quizzical gaze. They just stood and looked at each other, trying to understand what the hell was going on. How they were going to sort it out, only communicating through their eyes.

Their silence was broken by a knock at the door, they jumped and gave each other room looking round awkwardly. Releasing breath neither of them knew they had been holding.

"I'll get that you get dressed Cas." Dean said over his shoulder already making his way to it. Cas moved back to his bedroom, completely and utterly confused. He found the comfiest clothes he could which consisted of grey joggers and a baggy sweater which he was pulling over his head as he walked back into the main room. He pulled it down and noticed it all swamped him, the joggers were falling way past the waistband of his boxers and the sweater was hanging off one of his shoulders.

Shrugging it off he looked up and met green eyes, a pause and then another person cleared their throat. Cas looked towards the disturbance it was Chuck. Smiling politely at him, he was carrying a clip board as per usual. Just in case he needed to remember something. Cas wondered what he was doing here though, Chuck didn't usually visit Cas unless he wanted alcohol, or sex with one of the women who gathered here sometimes.

"erh Hi Chuck" Cas said grudgingly, he wasn't in the mood for company. Unless it was Dean. Dean was always welcome.

"Ah Hi Cas, you're looking better." He smiled sheepishly at him "I came to talk to Dean" then directing himself at Dean "Can I talk to you privately?" Dean looked at Chuck then at Cas as if to ask if he would be ok without him. Cas simply nodded then walked back into his bedroom grabbing a bottle of whisky on the way.

Dean couldn't exactly complain at him for drinking.

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><p>Chuck led Dean outside Cas' cabin. The turned to him.<p>

"We've got a problem." Chuck said it in a rush, the poor guy was trembling.

"What kind of problem Chuck?" This worried Dean, Chuck could usually keep on top of stuff which would be a minor problem, he would only come to Dean with 'problems' which were going to become major issues.

"Hunters who we keep in contact with have noticed a surge of Demon activity in New York. I don't understand it's basically rubble now." He was shifting uncomfortably on his feet.

"That is odd; I contacted the hunters who went through there personally. It should be cleaned out. This means they are moving there for some reason." Dean rubbed his neck, he needed to think of what to do.

"Ok Chuck I'll ring around and see what's going on where." Chuck nodded and walked off again. Letting out a frustrated sigh, he walked back into Cas' cabin. The bacon was still on the open grill, and there was no sign of the blue eyed man in the main room.

Venturing further into the cabin Dean knocked on Cas' bedroom door softly. He found the ex angel curled in a foetal position on the bed, breathing rhythmically and deeply as he slept. Deans brow furrowed as he saw Cas' hands curled around a half empty whisky bottle.

Trying to be quiet Dean walked over and pulled the pulled the whisky out of Cas' hand, which resulted in Cas grabbing Dean's shirt instead. Sighing Dean pulled Cas towards him so he was leant over the ex angel content that nothing would wake him up. Dean pulled back the covers and slipped Cas underneath. He placed the whisky on the bedside table and tried desperately to release the tight grasp of the bony hands from his shirt.

The only progress made was that instead of his shirt Cas gripped his hand. Which in comparison to Deans was freezing, instead of letting go he pulled up his chair and wrapped both hands around the pale white one. Drawing circles idly with his thumb as he watched the relaxed face.

Trying fruitlessly not to think about what had happened in the kitchen fewer than 1o minutes ago.

Dean could tell everything was going to get complicated.

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><p>Reviews are appreciated, and also the next chapter should be coming in the next week. I don't like waiting long to write chapters.<p> 


	6. Heated

__Really short chapter and you'll under stand at the end why. This one really stressed me out as well because it's the first scene of this nature I've ever done. Reviews would be appreciated massively!

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><p><em>Heat everywhere, it wasn't burning though, it was a pleasant sensation.. Castiels eyes fluttered open, and he was looking at the face of the beautiful aging hunter; sleeping. They were chest to chest and Cas noticed they weren't wearing shirts. <em>

_He could feel their legs intertwined, the heat rushing from Dean to his skin was comfortable and relaxing. Cas let his eyes wander across Deans body and rested on the hand print on his arm. He lifted a hand and traced the outline with one slender index finger._

_As he looked back to the hunters face he realised green eyes were staring at him, watching his expression. There was a moment of even breathing and just staring. Enjoying the body heat, the comfort or just being._

_Then Dean leant in, Cas didn't know what was going on and froze in shock; eyes wide. Soft lips touched against his own, the heat overwhelmed him and rushed through his veins destroying any kind of common sense._

_Cas didn't think, he just felt. He crushed himself perfectly into Dean. Swiping his tongue against Deans bottom lip, rewarded by his mouth opening. He slid his tongue into his hunters mouth and explored all the of it. Gaining small moans and returning the favour. _

_They slowly shuffled positions, Dean ended up leaning over Cas taking the dominant position. Cas wrapped his arms around the hunters neck, fingers sliding into the blonde hair pulling him down. Deans hands were everywhere, they wandered down Cas body and rubbed against the band of his boxers, he groaned impatience. _

_Biting the hunters lip as if to say get on with it. Dean kissed his lips again the moved down his body kissing his jaw, neck chest as he moved down Cas' body. They were both hard and on the edge, trying to make it last as long as possible._

_Dean licked Cas stomache before pulling down his boxers and releasing his member, pre-cum oozing from the tip. Cas was panting slightly. _

_Without warning Dean took Cas in his mouth making the fallen angel gasp head pushed back hands grabbing the sheets. _

_The heat was everywhere, it was burning Cas alive. The heat._

_His hands grabbed blonde hair and pushed the hunter into a rhythm he was on the edge of climaxing when Dean stopped, smirking as he released Cas from his mouth. He was properly panting now._

_Dean moved back up his body and crushed their mouths together. Cas' hand over handprint grabbing him tight. _

_The hunter brought two fingers up to Cas' lips._

"_Suck them" He voice was rough and it made Cas shudder, he was barely holding onto his sanity. He did as he ordered, and when faced with Dean's palm he complied happily licking it thoroughly though never breaking eye contact._

_Cas was being prepared, he tried to even out his breathing in his own preparation. Dean positioned himself and with another look at Cas slid into him. He grunted then slowly began thrusting._

_Cas couldn't take it, the heat was exploding everywhere and his was on the very edge. He couldn't voice it though, he whimpered slightly._

"_Hold it Cas, lets do this together." He nodded in response, trying to keep himself from losing it. He pulled the hunter and crushed their lips together once again, Dean got into a good rhythm and he moaned into Cas' mouth._

_The feeling was amazing._

Cas woke up with an started, lunging forward into upright position, welcome to consciousness with dizziness. He jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, throwing up the contents of his stomache.

He stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. What the hell had just happened?

Cas brushed his teeth to rid himself of the taste of sick. Then padded back to the bedroom, he stood slightly in shock at the sight he saw. Dean was asleep on the chair he had been a couple of days before.

_I thought he'd left with Chuck?_

Castiel was confused at the new feelings he felt as he looked at the hunter, he couldn't name them yet. So instead of facing them he grabbed some clean clothes then wandered back to the bathroom picking up a towel on the way. He would shower away all this confusion.


	7. Lost and Found

Weeks had passed since the Cas' dream. Cas and Deans relationship seemed to have moved forward and backwards at the same time.

Castiel had started helping out around camp, it was the first time in a long time that he had actually helped. The alcohol and drugs hadn't had the same effect since being back, which he found extremely frustrating. So instead of being lost in a mist of alcohol and numbness he had to lose himself in work which he had to say he didn't enjoy it as much.

Sometimes he would see Dean around, they would nod at each other but that was the most contact they had. Dean was too busy and to be honest Castiel wanted to avoid contact with him. Ever since he had that damn dream he felt stupid and girlish around Dean, it pissed him off.

He wasn't weak. He had been an Angel of the fucking Lord, did that mean nothing?

So Castiel went about his work, he had sort of become Chuck's assistant it was pleasant knowing you were being helpful once again. He wasn't allowed on raids anymore but that didn't matter to him, he didn't exactly want to be on a raid again.

In his spare time Castiel would go to what the camp called the library, it wasn't really a library just a room full of random books which had been picked up on raids or brought with people who had survived.

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><p>Castiel was sat in the library when the door creaked open and Chuck peered in. He looked shaken up which was unlike Chuck, the raiders were supposed to be back by now so everyone should be celebrating. The hairs on the back of Castiels neck pricked up and he involuntarily shivered. Something wasn't right.<p>

Chuck looked around, looking for someone. His eyes landed on Castiel and he immediately headed towards him, Castiel sat up in his seat, placing his book carefully on the table in front of him. He looked up into panicking brown eyes and met them with his own calm blue ones.

"Good morning Chuck, how can I help?"

"Erh Hi Cas, the raiders came back. Erh apart from one." Chuck was evading looking Castiel in the eye, but the words he spoke was like a punch in the gut to Castiel because he already knew, he knew that the one person who hadn't come back because Chuck had come to him.

Castiel was up on his feet and running before Chuck had even finished telling him because he already knew. He didn't know where he was running to he was just running. He feet led him to the jeeps and he then knew that he was going to find Dean, because Dean was lost and he needed his help. He needed this fallen angel. This useless human being.

Castiel didn't pause to think he just turned the keys in the ignition, the engine roaring to life. He heard yells from angry camp members, he didn't care he just punched the jeep into gear and drove out of camp, down the dusty road towards the city which had once almost killed him. To where he was positive Dean was because, where else could he be?

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><p>It took Castiel about an hour to get outside of the chain link fence, the entire drive he had spent planning where he would look, what he would do if he came up against Croats, what he would do if Dean was dead. He had decided to check the apartment they stayed at last time, Dean might have been smart enough to get there it was safe and out of the way from what Castiel could remember, Croats wouldn't bother it; they preferred the streets.<p>

Castiel jumped out of the jeep and went round to the trunk, his luck was still with him. He found a shotgun with spare ammo, silently thanking god he picked up the gun and shoved the ammo in his pocket. There was also a coat in the jeep, he shrugged it on. In his rush to get out he was only wearing jeans and a top.

He paused for a moment scrunching up his eyes breathing deeply, calming his nerves. He knew the prospect wasn't good, Dean was the best of the best he didn't get caught with his pants down easily.

Breathing out heavily Castiel re opened his eyes and found the gap in the fence, this was all wrong. He wasn't supposed to be doing this anymore.

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><p>He moved through the streets stealthily not making any noise, barely even breathing. He tried to remember where the apartment was but it was difficult everything had been hazy. He walked street by street searching for any kind of sign that would lead him to Dean.<p>

Panic began to set in after an hour, he couldn't understand how he couldn't even find he way around this city which should have been easy the amount of time he had actually been there, he just couldn't remember because he was an idiot who had gotten addicted to stupid human novelties.

Before he could anger himself anymore he spotted red liquid on a railing, he breathed a sigh of relief and then tensed up again, preparing himself for the worst. Looking around Castiel didn't see anything, no Croats had been around he hadn't even seen a stray dog or a bird. It was eerily quiet. Again.

He looked up at the building, it was an apartment block but it wasn't the same one he had been in with Dean. Castiel checked his surrounding once again before moving to the front door, it was closed but unlocked. There was a drying redness on the door handle and he tried to keep his breathing even.

He couldn't be weak. Not now. Not ever.

He pushed the door open standing in the doorway waiting for some kind of onslaught.

Nothing came.

Castiel stepped in closing the door behind him. He wanted to call out to Dean try and earn himself a response but he knew that was foolish, what if he wasn't here and Castiel just grabbed the attention of a dozen Croats? Then he was screwed with out a doubt.

He walked up the staircase knowing that if Dean was here he would of got as high as his legs could carry him, he almost fell over his feet a few times. The thing driving him on were the specks of red showing him the way. He got to the fifth floor and leant against the wall, he couldn't breathe, his eyes were all blurry he needed to sit down for a minute but stopping his search for Dean was not going to happen.

Castiel looked around for the next red spec but couldn't find any, he decided to look at the apartments on this floor. The first apartment he looked in stank of just shit, it was horrible Castiel couldn't stay there long and didn't. Closing the door behind him he retched in the hallway giving up the little nourishment he had left.

Urgh, he hated this, he hated the ache he felt because he needed to find Dean.. He hated how weak he was feeling when he wasn't supposed to be weak. He hated everything about this damned planet and how it was going now where.

He moved down the hallway to the next room, he tried to the door and found it was locked, he knew it was stupid but he knocked any way. Not expecting an answer. Castiel lent on the door frame losing all the strength he had, no anger to drag him on anymore.

There wasn't an answer to the door and Castiel had never learned how to lock pick. So gathering his ebbing strength he took a step back, took a deep breathe and then kicked at the door. It fell open, he gasped a sigh of relief, the air was fresh in here and he moved through the entrance hall.

Closing the door behind him, he lent against it, closing his eyes breathing deeply. He couldn't look for the hunter in this state. He couldn't do anything. Instead Castiel went looking for a bed.

He walked into the living room and almost completely missed the limp body which was situated on the worn out brown couch covered in a rug of some sort. He did a comical double take, and then froze stock still. He watched the body for at a couple of minutes, long enough to see the rise and fall of chest. It was alive, whatever it was.

He repositioned the shot gun, took a step forward and prodded the thing. Nothing happened, he ruled out a Croat then, a Croat would have been at his throat by now. He prodded it again. It grunted. Castiel sighed slightly, it was defiantly human. Defiantly. He walked over and pulled back the ugly rug which was protecting him.

Dean.

Relief flooded his body wholly. His knees gave way and he sank to the floor. He'd found him.

He was alive.

Dean.


End file.
